A little bit clichéd...

Beauty in ashes.  It's a cliché, isn't it?  And yet clichés often become cliché because they are true.

I'm not a writer.  I've said it before; I'll doubtless say it again.  And yet, sometimes I must write.  Must tell someone.  Sometimes, I have to do so to process...  And now, there is no one that I can tell - those who Know are few, and there are only two who I would wish to tell... and now, I can tell neither of them.  I will not burden either of them - not now.  So I am alone, with only my Father - but when I have Him, what more do I need?  He does not speak in words that my ears can hear, and yet I know that He listens, and hears me.  I know that He sees every tear, shed or unshed.  I know that He hears every cry of pain, though I may not utter it...  

And yet I can speak.  I can speak to those who do not know me, who do not know who I am.  I can speak here.

I am one who loves music - music is a part of me, my heart, my life... I always had music running through my head.  Sometimes it would come out in a song... I would drive my sister crazy when I would hum along with the music in my head.  Usually I didn't even realise I was doing it.  

But the music has died.  Sometimes it comes back for a day - even two.  But it always leaves again.  It leaves the next time I get broken.

I don't know when it died.  Earlier this year.  Probably in January.  In January, when I asked God to teach me to rely on Him, and He said "yes".  He's still teaching me - I must be a slow learner.  Certainly I'm a stubborn learner.  :)  Don't be like me, and you'll probably save yourself a lot of heartache.  I'm one of those "strong girls".  I can handle things.  I never cry, except out of anger (or if I'm sick, or so tired I'm literally falling asleep on my feet).  Except I can't.  I need His strength.  It's a painful lesson to learn, for us "strong" girls.  How to rely on Him, and not ourselves.  If you're one of those strong girls who has learned that lesson, you probably know what I mean.

It's hard to go through what seems a living hell so that another person can learn.  To be left a shell of yourself, holding the shattered pieces of what used to be you.  A broken heart and wrecked happiness.  It makes some things easier to know why - or part of why.  To know that it's not been pointless, and see some of the good that has come of it.  To know that others have been protected by your suffering.  

But it doesn't ease the pain when a dear friend unknowingly says something that stabs you through, leaving a wound that is hurting days, weeks, months later... when those who hurt you most are those you love best... when you know they would rather almost anything than to hurt you, yet without realising, they are breaking you into pieces... when you have to put up the front because they must not know what they are doing to you... when all you can do is cry out to your Father for help, because you won't find it anywhere else.  And the tears won't come.  When He doesn't send healing, and you don't know why it is withheld.

But one thing I have learned through this all - my loving Father is always, always, always there.  I can run to Him when life destroys me.  I can run to Him when He breaks me, for the same Hand that deals the blow is the hand that will strengthen me, comfort me, and one day heal me.  I can trust Him, though He destroys me, because it is Love that refines me, and though He slay me, yet will I trust.  Though He has broken me, He will remake me to be more like His Son.

Beauty in ashes.  Though it's a cliché, it's true.  Because those ashes are what remains of the fire.  The fire that burns away our dross, that melts out ourselves to leave only Him.  His refining fire is painful - oh, so painful... yet it leaves us more like Him.  And so it leaves us more beautiful.  More like our Master.  He burns us to ashes, and then gives us the strength to rise again, and keep on.  And He gives us of Himself to make us whole again.

Though the fire still burns about me, I know that this is true.  I know that healing will come in His time.  I will wait on Him.

This corner of the web might see me a little more for a while.  I can speak here.